I'd like to meet the woman who wanted this life

I've gone along on some journey that some other version of me signed up for. It's almost like Im going on this journey in hopes to meet the woman who wanted this life. She constantly hands me things that I am certain I do not want and she has this magical way of showing me, usually within moments, days or sometimes weeks how I in fact DO want this I just couldn't see it.

She seems to know me better than I know myself.

Or perhaps she seems to know the true version of me.

She seems to think I can handle anything.

I have learned that if she hands me something I feeel doesn't fit into my life, it is usally me who doesn't fit into my life. Everything she hands me that seems out of place is an invitation to come home to my truth.

The Great Mother knows me, her daughter, better than I know myself.

This, I have finally accepted.

Aceptance isn't a feeling I was familiar with until the last year. I was familiar with try harder, resist in the name of strength, show up, fight back, control under the label of responsibility..

But try this one on - look at the most painful thing in yourlife and say this "I accpet this is how it is. I acceopt my hiusband right now. Not when he changes, now. I accept im. I accept this situation now. As it is. I accept that poerhaos I do not know more than life itseld and operhaos this situation is trying to bring something beautiufl forward from my soul. I accept this riught here, right now. With my whole heart."

Wow that will wash ovber a person and also, 99% of the time, chnage that situaltion almost instatly.

The door to teh soul opens inward you know ;)

One morning in a perticularly hard season I journaled these words "I'd like to mee the woman who wanted this life"

I am a mom to four busy kids, one who is autistic. I homeschool. Not because I am pinteresty or good at it, but because I know I must, for my soul. My human constatnly has opinions on this. I surrender daily and when I do, the most interesting thing happens. I enjoy this life.

I ask my true self for help. There is no sense hiding my feeling from her, she knows everything aout me.

I tell her Imstruggling to be rpesent, I admit my wiring feels far more safe when she is in control. I ask for help to sink into this life.

But this one morning I was looking around. At all of it. The messy house. The acreage. The autism. The workload. The letting go of my very affluent business to go on a spriitual path. The mess. I wasn't seeing the gain only the loss. And my ego was screaming about what she was sure was loss...

I wrote "I'd like to meet her. I'm pretty sure she got it wrong. I am a business woman and a good one at that, not ...this."

What I was really saying who am I in my truth and why am I so far away? Why is it that I can feel completly split? Why can I feel so at home in this life when I am tuned into my soul and so awful and lost when it is my ego. Why is my wiring so conflicting? Why does the other self have to exist?

Day by day, step by step, I have met the other woman. I am getting to know her. She knows exactly how to parent my children. She never feels like she works. She is Joy.

She has no fear. She loves herself in this way that I didn't even know existed. She feels important and takes time for herself, her work and her personal life. Her personal life is so important to her. Taking time to teach her daughter something matters. Taking time to talk to her son at bed for an hour, this is importnat. Reading to her kids, looking her husband in the eyes and giving undivided attention. Writing her work out. She loves her husband differently, she can feel his soul. She also can see the good in everyone. It's not that she is optomistic, she just sees it and sheb feels iy amnd affimrs it in this way that they feel it, too. She has buckets of grace and hears what they are actually saying behind the words and from the eyes and soul.

It was the longest path to meet her and I want you to know, she was worth the walk.

It's not on;ly how she takes care of the others, its how she takes care of me.

The me that was so far from home.

This woman that I've always missed. The one Ive become. The one that wanted this life...

She's helped me let go of any feelings of shame around this other version of me. I just talk to her now. I say things like this "I know you're scared. I'd like to listen." I treat her like the innocent child she was when she came to earth and found out it was upside down from her soul. I know the habits she formed, she only formed out of survival. I know she wants to work all the time to feel safe. I know this means that there was a moment she didn't feel safe. I know she struggles to show her vulnerable and gentle side. I know this struggle comes from being a highly sensetive being raised in a harsh ego based world. And so, she figured out how to survive, She built a false self. I know her scars prove she walked the journey. She walked through the old world and this is what it made. I will study her as I love her and walk her home. Until one day, I am just my soul.

I remmember the day I told her that I would like to listen to her and not judge her anymore.

I was meditating and I received this image of a small child holding a sign. It seemed to come out of the shadows of my mind and it seemed to say, if you're looking with getleness would you look at this? And then another child emerged holding annother sign with an old thought written on it and a very old, very loved teddy bear. My Being seemed to want me or need me to realize the innocence in these thoughts. Where and why the other self was formed.

Random sentence ahead that I will tie in for you in about two minutes.

If I could be anyone, I'd want to be my daughter.

She is so gentle. She doesnt have an "other self." And she knows it. Because I teach my children about their soul more than any other topic, she is highly soul intelligent and soul fluent.

She is sensetive, gentle, in tune, so loving to everyone. I wan to be my daughter. To love without limits. To never feel this other self.

I held shame around this. Not around wanting to be my daughter but around the fact that I wasn't as gentle as her. Being whispered to me one day "your daughter is genlte because hse has you as a mother. She doesn' wish you were different. She is gratefyul you walked gthe path so she won't have to."

And then sitting with Abrielle she said "I wish there was two of you so you could be your mom, because hyoure the best."

The path is hard, we will fuck up, but the work isn't going unnoticed.

We are not teh first generation to feel this war. The war of the ego and the soul.

But I believe we are the first to be asked to feel it and chose such a drastic change.

Feeling this all while being a Mother has been intense.

I just want to acknowledge that.

It is heavy.

It is rewarding and beautiful and the only work that is eternal

But lets not pretend like it isn't intesne.

It is.

Everthing you're feeling, it's real, you know, you've always known....

Until we feel again together---

Apryl Joy